In my perfect fantasy world, everyone gets along. Nobody fights. Everyone understands. However, in real life even God knew there would be conflicts. Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you. James 4:1

He gives us strong admonition on how to handle them when they arise. A simple shift from the “if” to “when” of conflict can go a long way to helping us prepare ourselves and those we lead to minimize the negative effects of conflict. This is a major key in helping the idealist cope with the “shock” of having conflict in the church. One definition of conflict is: the mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands. Merriam-Webster also includes the opposition of persons or forces that gives rise to the dramatic action in a drama or fiction. So in books or theater, it is the part of the plot which adds interest. However, when it comes to real life—it often just leads to heart ache. Conflict seems to take place when we have opposing needs as well as opposing ways to see those needs met.

Every person living together, working together and even worshipping together brings differing sets of perspective. Most often each individual concludes their personal set of perspectives is the RIGHT perspective. And depending on how “right” they feel them to be, people work hard to defend them.

How can leaders use their influence to minimize the negative fallout conflict can bring?

Understand your own conflict resolution style.

a. Are you competitive? If so, the issue is the main deal. What people think about you doesn’t really matter.

b. Are you collaborative? Do you try to meet the needs of all involved?

c. Are you a compromiser? Trying to give everyone a little bit of what they want, while expecting them to give up something as well?

d. Are you accommodating? Do you give in or pay the main price to make peace or settle the conflict?

e. Are you avoiding? Do you try to evade the conflict, hoping someone else will bring solution, or that it will just go away?

Each of these approaches has merits as well as weaknesses. Most of the time a combination of approaches works best, with every situation needing to be treated as unique. In a crisis situation, a competitive leader who can make an astute quick decision is often the quickest way to resolution. At other times, the head leader might use avoidance to allow the subordinates to work out their own issues. It takes wisdom, grace and courage to jump in the middle of a fray—it is so much wiser to intervene when things are at the beginning stages. Each of these skills can be learned.

Knowing that there are differing approaches to conflict resolution opens up different ways to help bring solution. The role of leadership brings two types of conflict resolution needs. One is mediation between those you are leading. The other is resolving personal issues between those you lead and yourself.

One of the tools I apply when approaching a potential conflict or a situation that needs solution is to try and separate the person from the problem, To do this, I rehearse in my mind the positive strengths and qualities that drew me to this person in the first place. I concentrate on forgiving the person, as well as try to figure out through prayer and examination what is the Real Problem. Taking the time to reduce the conflict to its real issue often reveals a simple solution or uncovers the fact that there wasn’t even a problem in the first place! Personally I used to be a big fan of “avoidance”, but as I have matured in the Lord I know that watching conflicts truly become resolved (not just stuffed away) can actually lead to greater understanding and make the team stronger, not weaker. Addressing conflict is like anything else. It must be done in faith and love. The leader must pray until he/she finds a place of peace in which to proceed. When a group knows that difficulties will be addressed in a biblical manner it adds stability as well as trust.

Ephesians 4: 25-27 entreats us: So you must stop telling lies. Tell each other the truth, because we all belong to each other in the same body. When you are angry, do not sin, and be sure to stop being angry before the end of the day. Do not give the devil a way to defeat you. Learning to be honest that there are difficulties, facing the truth with our neighbor and still allowing the love of God to cover those differences will bring glory to Him. There are so many people in the body of Christ who need to learn what to do with their anger. They need to learn how to process it without hurting those around them. We must truly, become His peacemakers and allow His love to cover a multitude of sin and fault. We can increase in our ability to solve conflicts with a positive result. It does take work, but it will be more than worth it.