This issue of Real Women is dedicated to the married women of our audience, but I believe every reader will benefit.

As we continue looking at the scripture “what every joint supplies” (Ephesians 4:16) we mustn’t forget to focus on the ultimate joining: marriage. In the book of Genesis we read: Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him. Gen 2:18 and Matthew 19:3-6; And Pharisees came to Him and put Him to the test by asking, Is it lawful and right to dismiss and repudiate and divorce one’s wife for any and every cause? He replied, Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female. And said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate). Therefore, what God has joined, let us strengthen. Ministry that flows from a marriage where the partners are joined in heart, mind and soul produce healthy results. They bring a depth of balance, security and joy to the family of God. As leaders let’s make sure we begin with our own marriage. The people we lead know whether or not our marriage is in harmony or whether it needs a tune up. We may think we can disguise or cover up the truth, but we are only fooling ourselves. When a marriage “works”, it is an amazing wonderful miraculous glimpse of God’s heart. When marriages struggle it can be ugly. When any marriage struggles, more people are involved than just the couple. This is even truer when it is a couple involved in Christian ministry.

We know God desires ministry marriages to be strong and healthy. He planned for marriage to be a reflection of His love and commitment to the church (Ephesians 5:23,24,32). He wants families to have the blessing of living together in peace and grace. Many ministry couples make the mistake of trying to “do their marriage for everyone else”. The mask comes on for the children, the church or the outside world. God’s intention is not that we pretend we have an “ideal” marriage, but that we work on having an authentic marriage. God never intended for ministry couples to put on masks and become hypocrites. He has tools to help us move through difficult situations and become stronger.
My heart for us all is that we work toward a mature marriage in a realistic way. Paul exhorts Timothy to stir up the gifts that are in him, I want to exhort you to stir up your thoughts toward your marriage. Satan’s desire is to sift us and our marriages and to ultimately cause them to fail. However, God does not want our marriages to fail nor be weak. I remind you of the strong words written in Malachi 2:14-16 The LORD witnessed the vows you and your wife made to each other on your wedding day when you were young. But you have been disloyal to her, though she remained your faithful companion, the wife of your marriage vows. Didn’t the LORD make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard yourself; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. “It is as cruel as putting on a victim’s bloodstained coat,” says the LORD Almighty. “So guard yourself; always remain loyal to your wife.” The New Living Bible. Restated for our purpose: Have you been guarding yourselves and remaining loyal to your husband? Loyal in thoughts as well as deeds? The subtle degrading of our relationships through our thought life can be as devastating in the long term, as an affair.

(We will be asking some “assessment questions” in the following paragraphs. Please take time to ponder them)

Here are some insights from the Song of Solomon. In chapter 1 verse 2, the Shulammite declares: Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine. What does wine do? It relaxes, it gladdens, it warms, and it is used for medicinal purposes. I began to wonder if there are “wines” that have been subtly substituted for the love of our husbands. Have other friends, children, hobbies or ministry itself taken the place of our spouses? The winds of life can blow so gently at times, we may be unaware that our priorities have been cunningly shifting away from our true desires—or stronger storms can blow us so far off course we lose hope of every reaching our intended shore. What are your current expectations concerning your marriage? Do you have the newlyweds’ idealism? Or have the actualities of the “real person” you married brought some changes to those ideals? Anyone married longer than the reception, must have encountered the difference! Darryl and I have been married 31 years. We have gone through many storms, but, I would rather go through those storms with him, than without him. I have learned to love the real Darryl with his strengths as well as his weaknesses. Accepting the fact that my husband is not Prince Charming (who is a fictional character—NOT REAL!) actually sets us both free to be ourselves.

The Shulammite continues on to declare, “but my vineyard I have not kept”. (Song of Solomon 1:6) Oops, do you find your self having neglected some areas of your personal vineyard? Are there areas in your marriage garden that you haven’t kept? Some of our sisters are good examples of personal grooming and care. Some keep their homes and children well. Other women who are good with budgets and keeping costs down. The Proverbs 31 woman was well rounded and balanced in all areas of her life. God wants us to grow a full garden. No one can live on radishes! If you have discovered some uncared for areas in your life, don’t despair. Today is a new day and new days are ready for new ways. Chapter 2:15 we find “Quick! Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of your love, for the grapevines are all in blossom.” May God help us catch the nasty but sometimes cute little foxes that can devour the sweet smelling blossoms thereby preventing good fruit to be born.

What are some of those little foxes?

• Discontentment: getting caught up in comparing yourself /spouse/situation with others
• Disgruntled: lack of gratitude/appreciation
• Discouragement: looking at what is not, instead of what is
• Disappointment: living with failed expectations rather than letting them go
• Dis-harmony: living with a level where your “chords” are not quite in tune
• Disconnection: lack of meaningful communication
• Dissatisfaction: a sense of unhappiness, or irritation, feeling your needs are not being met
• Discombobulation: upset, confused

How to deal with those Dis’s:

• Look at the man you married. Begin to list the reasons why you said yes to him. Write them down.
• Practice Thanksgiving. Seek God for a thankful, grateful heart. Thank your husband for the things he does.
• Set your eyes on the things above. Ask God to open your eyes to the blessings you do have.
• Be honest with those areas that you are disappointed in, but don’t stay there. Have a long honest talk with the Lord. Tell Him about it and ask Him to heal you of your disappointments.
• Seek for harmony.
• Make “talk time” a priority. Learn about the way you and your husband communication styles are similar and are different; learn to speak his love language
• Identify your source of dissatisfaction. Ask the Lord for His guidance in dealing with the sources.
• Take time to play, laugh and enjoy your husband and your life.

These are just a few of the foxes that seek to ruin our vineyard. If, in examining these truths you discover that you need help in destroying these foxes, I urge you to call in the professionals. There are people who can help.

Written by:Martha Rodman