Have you ever felt overwhelmed when a friend or acquaintance was hurting? Did you wonder what to say? Were you afraid of saying the wrong thing and making the situation worse? I, too, have faced those same feelings. I have felt tongue-tied and apprehensive. Our very first funeral as pastors came as a result of the suicide of our neighbor. He was in his 80’s and had received a medical diagnosis that caused him to choose to end his life, rather than walk it out to the end. Our children were very friendly with him and his wife, and when his son informed us of his death and asked if Darryl would conduct the service, it was a difficult thing to do. As Darryl sought the Lord, he gave him some very specific things to say and do at the funeral which brought great comfort and celebration to the family and friends. Our second funeral was conducted for the death of a little baby boy who only lived a few hours. The third funeral fortunately was for a older Christian sister—and it was much easier! However, in each of these scenarios we encountered that overwhelming feeling of “what do we say?” or “how do we say it”.

Romans 12:15 instructs us to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Most of us find, rejoicing with those who rejoice a more pleasant task than weeping with those who weep. However, because we live in this fallen world, life brings countless reasons to weep. Suicide, stubborn illnesses, infertility issues, death, regrets, loneliness, disappointments, disillusionment, loss of a job, relationship issues, feeling like a failure and misunderstandings are just part of the list (not withstanding unforeseen terrorists actions). Sin causes pain and death. Our wonderful and wise Creator prepared our souls to deal with such sorrow. He fashioned us with the ability and the need to weep. Even the physical action of the shedding of tears helps our bodies deal with grievous issues. There was a study done in which participants were first exposed to smoke or onion fumes—things that cause our eyes to water. The tears produced by such irritants contained mostly salt and water. These same participants were shown movies which stimulated strong emotions (like Bambi) and these tears contained not only the salt and water but also the hormones which regulate and influence our emotions. Weeping sheds the body of these excess hormones.

This article is a continuation of “which every joint supplies”. Learning to weep with those who weep will strengthen our connections with those around us.

So how can we grow more comfortable in this area? Let’s take a look at some patterns found in scripture. There are some situations where the best thing to do is simply follow the instructions of the scripture, “Weep with those who weep”. Join in the crying. Let yourself feel the emotion of the other person. When Jesus heard of the death of Lazarus, He wept. Learning to be comfortable around emotions is part of maturing in our leadership strengths. We can learn from some other patterns. In Genesis 21:6 we find Hagar out in the desert with her son Ishmael. They had run out of water after being exiled from Abraham’s camp, and Hagar was worried that Ishmael would die soon. When the water was gone, she left the child under a shrub and went off, fifty yards or so. She said, “I can’t watch my son die.” As she sat, she broke into sobs. Meanwhile, God heard the boy crying. If we are going to “weep with those that weep” in a helpful manner, we need to settle in our own soul that God does hear the heart of those who weep. That He is aware of the difficulty of the situations. Growing in our own faith and trust in the Lord will help prepare us to bring faith and trust to those who may be struggling to accept a seemingly untimely death of a child or spouse.

Now in this special circumstance, God responded in a miraculous way.

The angel of the Lord called from Heaven to Hagar, “What’s wrong, Hagar?” There have been times in my walk with the Lord that I wished He would speak from heaven to comfort those around me, but I have usually found that it was through me that He planned to speak.

Let’s look at exactly what God said. “What’s wrong, Hagar?”

Learning to ask that question can help us be prepared to help the person. It may seem quite obvious and of course God knew why she was crying, but helping a person speak their feelings, fears, or focus points will help you as well as them. This may not be a question they can answer right away, and we need to be patient. When we ask this question, it is important to listen not only to their words, but the tone of their voice and their body language. Don’t be afraid, God has heard. When we are confronted with the sadness of others we must move through the situation with our eyes focused on God and the person who is weeping, not on our self. So many times we automatically think, “What about me”. “What would happen if that were me—what if I had to face that diagnosis, that death, that job loss?” This response can be healthy if we don’t stop there—but we must move on to “How would I like to be treated if that were me?” In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets. Matthew 7:12

While I was preparing for this topic, I realized I needed someone to share who had “been there”. God was also aware of that need, and he connected me with a friend from Medford, Oregon who while reading, the last issue on Joy felt led to write some of her story.

Gwen Gomez shares her experience in the next article. It contains much practical wisdom on how to “weep with those who weep”.

Martha Rodman