Confrontation is a very effective, useful tool when used correctly. It can prevent heartache or shipwreck. It can bring balance and health. But it can also cause woundings and divisions that can take years to heal when done badly. My purpose in writing this article is to help us learn how and when to use confrontation as a leader. I know that confrontation does not come easy to most leaders….and indeed, it should not. This is not something that should be undertaken lightly but with much prayer and consideration. There are other tools which should be tried before the full level of confrontation takes place.

Chuck Swindoll in his book, Getting through the Tough Stuff, defines confrontation as speaking the truth in a personal, face-to-face encounter with someone we love regarding an issue that needs attention or correction. Pastor Swindoll discusses the differences between affronting and confronting. Many times we are affronted (insulted or caused to be offended by someone) and therefore we seek to confront them. Most of the time this type of confrontation stems from our pain, or our perceived injury. We are not bringing about the confrontation to help them, but to somehow assuage our pain.

The most effective confrontation comes from a person who is qualified on the subject at hand and has demonstrated that they have the best interest of the person involved at hand. A loving heart is the best pre-confrontation tool.

There are at least five synonyms that are used in Scripture that help compose the concept of confrontation.

1. Reprove or reproof: Scripture uses the term “reprove” or “reproof”. Poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline, but he who regards reproof will be honored”. Reproof means to give criticism for a fault. The Holy Spirit will begin to bring pressure upon us to let us know that He is displeased with our action. He only applies the amount of pressure that is needed for the situation. A word of correction may be all that is needed to help someone adjust their behavior. Please be kind, and don’t give them a volume of words.
2. Rebuke: Rebuke is more serious. It means a sharp criticism. “A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding, than a hundred blows into a fool,” Proverbs 17:10. Again, we must be careful and use the proper pressure. Speaking the truth in love and concern may be all the individual needs to respond. This carries the implication of the need for more instruction.
3. Wound: The third word is “wound”. Proverbs 27:6 faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. We must understand that confrontation can and does bring wounding. Only those who have earned the right through friendship and demonstrated concern can rightfully apply this depth of confrontation. This kind of confrontation can take place between a mentor and his “mentee” or a parent and child. It is not something that can be used in casual relationships.
4. Correct: “Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul.” Proverbs 29:17. Correct can be thought of as bringing back into alignment.
5. Discipline or chastisement: means to punish or penalize for the sake of discipline.

Each of these words are included in scripture in order to bring about change for the good of the individual or group. This must be the motive for the confrontation. We cannot approach someone out of anger, disappointment, or our own hurt and expect them to receive the “peaceable fruits of righteousness” Hebrews 12:11.

Confrontation can bring about significant changes to an individual. However in order for the greatest good to come from using this tool, it must be approached with grace and clarity.

• If you feel the need to confront someone, take time to lay the groundwork in your own heart. Clear out any hurt, bitterness or un-forgiveness that may be lurking in your own emotions through specific prayer. Come to a place where you can release your faith to believe that God can help them.
• Think clearly about what the issue is that needs to be resolved or changed. It may help to write it down. Take the time necessary to wait before the Lord for His timing.
• Give the individual specific examples that demonstrate the problem.
• Help them formulate a plan for change. Strategies, referrals or other plans of actions will help them know you are serious in loving them and expecting them to be able to change.
• Take the time to pray with them at the end of the conversation, show them compassion and understanding.
• We are encouraged to love others as we love ourselves. Try to put yourself in the position of the person you want to confront. How do you best hear correction? What things make the “pill” easier to swallow?

Confrontation is a useful tool when used in the right way, from the right motive. Out of timing and wrong motives can fatally wound others. Make sure you ask the Lord for the time, place and motivation before you jump in to correct someone.

Take the time to teach those you lead on the how’s and why’s of confrontation as well.

Written by:Martha Rodman